I made two resolutions in what I’ll call the dusk preceding 2014. I hadn’t planned to make any. It’s been years since I made and kept a New Year’s Resolution. Even this blog began in the springtime. I mean, who starts new things in the winter? Not me.
Still, the opportunity swelled like a wave approaching shore – and a holiday trip to sunny California provided me with sudden spring – so I held my arms out for balance and spoke into the spray.
That is, we were staying with my Dad in California, and one night after Miss E returned from an outing with Grandpa and her cousins, after I had slipped into my predictable post-holiday funk born of too many cookies, ample wine and that sudden … empty slate … which follows weeks of preparation and build-up, one night during our precious bedtime chat, my daughter asked, “What are your reso- revo – ro – revolutions, Mom?” There were so many answers I could offer. So many.
“My New Year’s Resolutions?”
What I understood as she formed the question was this: My daughter is beginning to reflect on her own behavior. She is beginning to set goals and strive to meet them. With the new year coming, and so much talk of intention, she was bursting with possibility and seeking guidance. A model. A kickstart. Something. She was relying on me.
So I blurted out the first two things that popped into my mind. “I will put more attention on my writing, on sharing my writing. I want to get something published.” Her eyes got big, but she didn’t speak. “Oh, and I want to be more active. I resolve to be more active.”
“That’s a good one, Mom!” My guess is she feels becoming more active is the easier resolution to keep. Me? I’m not so sure.
But with her as my witness, I resolved to market my own work and move my body. I resolved to throw myself into trying. That’s what I want for her, to throw herself into trying, to set a goal and live into it. Which means I have to model that, right?
Now, a couple years into my blogging escapades, I find myself often resisting the page – it’s too cold, I’m too tired, there is laundry to be done – yet once I am here, I am whole. The words arrive or they don’t, and I learn. I untangle knots. I open myself, and I connect. With people. Like you.
This is good.
I resolve to do more of this, and not just on my own safe page.
I must step out of my comfort zone.
I must access skills I’ve not tried on for years. Or learn new ones.
“What are your resolutions, Peanut?”
She rattled off ten grand sweeping plans, with fire and enthusiasm. “What’s the most important to you?” I asked. She wasn’t sure. She wants them all. She wants a horse; she wants to eat healthy – not so much junk food – she wants to be active; she intends to get better in math.
She’ll focus her efforts in some of these areas. I know she will. Others will drop off her list. (The horse, for example?) Or she’ll change course, find a fresh way to get what she wants, to be who she wants to be.
I have faith in her.
My partner has faith in us both, and that helps. Tremendously. She sent me into my writing space tonight, in fact, when I was ready to sit down and watch TV. Because I’ve been resisting this page for weeks, she said now was a good time to begin. Again. To resolve. To show up. To write. She may not have used these words, but it’s what she meant. And here I am. Largely because she offered me that nudge. That shove. That reminder of my own intention.
What do you resist as we open the new year?
Do you need a nudge? A hand? Words of support or encouragement?
What do you resolve?